Stuck at 18

Every woman refuses to grow up, hates to tell her age and try her best to show herself in a much younger age.
That's not the case for me. It is not about refusing to grow old, it is more about I don't have the mentality of my age.

I'm 29 years old, married and have a daughter. I am an engineer with some years of work experience. That was supposed to make me think like a 29. But no, my mind refuses to live this age. My mind is still stuck at 18 year old mentality.

I still think about what I want to do when I grow up, as if being engineer is not the answer. I still think about what new hobbies to explore as if I have the time for this. I still get excited about going on family trips to the beach.

My mind believes that I shouldn't be a mother because I am still not mature enough. I still have a long bucket list full of teenage adventures.

It always feel like I’m stuck in this adulthood life and duties while I need to go back in time and get things done and give my mind the needed time to grow old as well. A lot of unfulfilled dreams are still waiting but the 29 year old woman is so busy to go after them.

Home

       I miss home. It has been 2 months now since we moved to USA and it is not getting any easier as people always says. There is nothing around here that I like and there is nothing that makes it feel like a home to me.

     I feel like a lonely sheep that lost its herd. I miss my family so much. I grew up in a cheerful family where we gathered every week, not only my brother and parents but my cousins and aunts and whoever is free to join the gatherings. It breaks my heart that my unborn child won’t get to enjoy my father’s stories and discussions, my mother’s affection and spoiling acts and my family’s cheerful nights.

     We were lucky enough to settle down and find a descent apartment soon after we arrived and we handled almost everything to have a stable life here. My feeling towards this apartment is nothing like home, I feel it is just a convenient place to rest, sleep, eat and put my stuff in. I miss our apartment in Cairo. I miss every part of it.

    I had to quit my job to make this move. I never imagined that I will miss my job this much. I know maybe I can find a job after I give birth to my child and probably it will pay me more money, but I’m sure that it will never be like my job back home. I had the luck to work in a descent environment surrounded by very descent people that by time we became friends and even family. We had so much in common and still we were so different which made working together is so much fun. Currently I have all these negative thoughts that either I will not find a suitable job or I will accept any job just to re-establish my independent status that I really miss.

    I hate going anywhere alone. Or maybe I’m scared. I was never like that when I travelled alone before. I was always outgoing and never miss a chance to explore. But here, I just want to stay inside unless someone will be out with me. I feel different all the time and always noticeable to be different wherever I go. To be honest, no one ever annoyed me, except for one time at the park actually, but in general no one treated me differently because I’m different. It is just the feeling of being different is what bothers me and the fear of some stupid lunatic like those appearing in news sometimes making any action to annoy me.

     I think about going home every day since I came. Before we got here we thought a lot about this decision and considered everything. It was hard decision to make but I never thought it will be even harder to put in action. I miss home. I miss driving in the streets of Cairo with all the fuzziness it has. I miss hanging out with my friends. I miss everything. I want to go home.

Teenage Thoughts 2

This one is very cheesy, I can't believe I used to write like this.

What was happening

Seeing you in front of me

Looking into your eyes

Hearing your words to me

Saying you won’t say goodbye

I can’t believe what’s happening

Asking me to dance with you

Feeling your hands around me

The music is as beautiful as you

In a charming place by the sea

I can’t believe what’s happening

I feel a great joy in my heart

I think it’s jumping and dancing

I wish we will never be apart

Stay with me and keep dancing

Don’t say a word, I hear someone’s voice

Someone is calling my name

It’s calling from far away but I know this voice

It is a familiar voice, yes it is the same

I opened my eyes to find myself here

In my bed sleeping

I searched for you but you weren’t near

At that moment I knew it was a dream

I wish one day this dream will come true

The dream was charming

I ask God to make come true

And now I know what was happening

--Originally written 27/11/2004 --

Teenage Thoughts

I found some old stuff that I wrote when I was still a teenager and cheesy . so why not share it and laugh about it.

I will start posting those pieces in series.

Confession

I confess I committed a crime
I'm going to speak this time
Hiding my feelings is a bad thing
It's a crime as I think

I should have told you
how much I love you
but every time I try
I become shy

Baby please forgive me
Baby please believe me
I'm in love with you

I wasted so much time
but now I'm going to live my life
The life of my dreams
A life with no fears

It is my life with you
It's a dream that I hope will come true
I confess I need you so much
I really need your touch

This is my confession and I have nothing to add
Tell me your judgment before I go mad
Tell me if I'm guilty
or if you forgive me

--Originally written on 22/2/2006--

Half a soul

Half a soul, that’s me when on my own

I almost manage to breath without you

Living endless nights not followed by dawn

I have half a life when I’m missing you

You came into my life and made it complete

Adding flavors of love and joy to my soul

A life of harmony, rhyming my heart beat

You make me a princess, you make me whole

And now I’m alone counting the nights

Waiting to be alive again with my knight

I grew up !

I grew up ! Of course I grew up considering the fact that I earn my living now, make my own decisions, preparing my wedding, working on my master...etc. All these activities of course are adulthood activities , but the one thing that I realized today is friends effect in my life .

During childhood, I couldn't bare the idea of my best friend going to different school.It felt that I was going to be lost without her and I would have no one to play with. Today , I have to live without my best friends as life separates our ways. 

This is a new part of growing up I believe. To be on my own. 

We are still going to be best friends , but geographical barrier will separate us. We will be living in different time zones with different schedules and plans. Sharing every moment won't be possible. 

To many who are reading my words now I might seem childish. But this is the first time in my entire life that I have to live with the fact that my best persons are not around.

I always had trouble making new friends, as I have trust issues when it comes to new people . So my friends are one of the most valuable things in my life , considering also that I have no sisters. A huge part of my emotional strength comes from these girls and now ,in one year, half of them are going or already went on their own ways to make their dreams come true. 

I couldn't be more happy when they come and tell me they finally found the road to their dreams, but then I start realizing that this means I will have to go on my own through life. I never felt so much mixed feelings before !

Now I have to go through my big day alone, the day that I wish to share with all my beloved ones. Half of my friends might not be around. The one that used to have my back and always felt like my mother, but with my same age. My hitch, the one that supported me emotionally so many times and never got bored of my stories. My trusted adviser and the one with the purest heart ever. And the little cute fighter , the youngest evil witch. And who knows who else might go away.

I will also miss one familiar face.my best colleague ever, the brother that reminds me of my best year at college . 

Of course, there is technology today and communication is much easier, but just the idea of being far away from my beloved friends aches my heart.

Dear friends , 

all the good luck to you wherever you are. I wish you all the success and happiness in the world and I wish that despite the distance we will keep our bonds forever .

My Knight

In a dark forest I saw an armor shining
on a black horse he approached me
I saw that knight and at once I was falling
he looked me in the eye and said "stay with me"

you are the man I have always waited for
A knight soul, charming whatever you do
you asked for my heart and now it's yours
as no one will protect it like you

I dream of an empty ball room
only the tow of us waltzing
I dream of the look in the eyes of a groom
to the first sight of his bride swagging