15th of March

I read this post about just writing for 10 minutes for 10 days. I'm not sure what to write about. My mind is numb or I'm forcing it to be so as not to feel all the feelings I'm having recently.

Since 15th March 2020 ,we are quarntined at home. Cooking all meals at home .working out at home  .working from home. My daughter hasn't seen another kid since then. We had to cancel our summer trip to Egypt because of the fear of getting the virus or transmitting it to our family there.

Every time one of us has to go to the supermarket it feels like horror to me.

I keep on thinking about what will happen if I got it. Not because I fear for myself, but I keep on thinking about my daughter. How will she handle me not being with her ? How will I be able to quarntine myself away from her and my husband while staying all together in a small apartement. When will I be able to see my family in Egypt? What happens if they need me and I can't be there because of this ? Will my daughter thrive and keep her development schedule while only interacting with me and her father. I can't risk getting into a social bubble like other families started doing.I can't trust anyone but me during this pandemic.

Everyday I wake up trying to silence those thoughts. Numb my mind so I don't feel the fear and worry. 

Expired Friendship

I thought this will last forever

we had a lifetime of friendship

we thought we will be old ladies together

but you decided to throw me out of this ship

you called me names, you shut the door

you said you don't want to be friends anymore

I said I care about you, sorry for any mistakes

but you said i'm too aggressive and we reached this friendship expiry date

after you changed you think i'm old school for you

I don't feel the need to judge you and I never intend to offend

I have no regrets and i'm letting you go

you are not the same nice girl that used to be my friend

just don't come back, you broke my heart

I thought there is something called forever and we will never be apart

I was stupid to think we will last

people will change and throw you away so fast

Stuck at 18

Every woman refuses to grow up, hates to tell her age and try her best to show herself in a much younger age.
That's not the case for me. It is not about refusing to grow old, it is more about I don't have the mentality of my age.

I'm 29 years old, married and have a daughter. I am an engineer with some years of work experience. That was supposed to make me think like a 29. But no, my mind refuses to live this age. My mind is still stuck at 18 year old mentality.

I still think about what I want to do when I grow up, as if being engineer is not the answer. I still think about what new hobbies to explore as if I have the time for this. I still get excited about going on family trips to the beach.

My mind believes that I shouldn't be a mother because I am still not mature enough. I still have a long bucket list full of teenage adventures.

It always feel like I’m stuck in this adulthood life and duties while I need to go back in time and get things done and give my mind the needed time to grow old as well. A lot of unfulfilled dreams are still waiting but the 29 year old woman is so busy to go after them.

Home

       I miss home. It has been 2 months now since we moved to USA and it is not getting any easier as people always says. There is nothing around here that I like and there is nothing that makes it feel like a home to me.

     I feel like a lonely sheep that lost its herd. I miss my family so much. I grew up in a cheerful family where we gathered every week, not only my brother and parents but my cousins and aunts and whoever is free to join the gatherings. It breaks my heart that my unborn child won’t get to enjoy my father’s stories and discussions, my mother’s affection and spoiling acts and my family’s cheerful nights.

     We were lucky enough to settle down and find a descent apartment soon after we arrived and we handled almost everything to have a stable life here. My feeling towards this apartment is nothing like home, I feel it is just a convenient place to rest, sleep, eat and put my stuff in. I miss our apartment in Cairo. I miss every part of it.

    I had to quit my job to make this move. I never imagined that I will miss my job this much. I know maybe I can find a job after I give birth to my child and probably it will pay me more money, but I’m sure that it will never be like my job back home. I had the luck to work in a descent environment surrounded by very descent people that by time we became friends and even family. We had so much in common and still we were so different which made working together is so much fun. Currently I have all these negative thoughts that either I will not find a suitable job or I will accept any job just to re-establish my independent status that I really miss.

    I hate going anywhere alone. Or maybe I’m scared. I was never like that when I travelled alone before. I was always outgoing and never miss a chance to explore. But here, I just want to stay inside unless someone will be out with me. I feel different all the time and always noticeable to be different wherever I go. To be honest, no one ever annoyed me, except for one time at the park actually, but in general no one treated me differently because I’m different. It is just the feeling of being different is what bothers me and the fear of some stupid lunatic like those appearing in news sometimes making any action to annoy me.

     I think about going home every day since I came. Before we got here we thought a lot about this decision and considered everything. It was hard decision to make but I never thought it will be even harder to put in action. I miss home. I miss driving in the streets of Cairo with all the fuzziness it has. I miss hanging out with my friends. I miss everything. I want to go home.

Teenage Thoughts 2

This one is very cheesy, I can't believe I used to write like this.

What was happening

Seeing you in front of me

Looking into your eyes

Hearing your words to me

Saying you won’t say goodbye

I can’t believe what’s happening

Asking me to dance with you

Feeling your hands around me

The music is as beautiful as you

In a charming place by the sea

I can’t believe what’s happening

I feel a great joy in my heart

I think it’s jumping and dancing

I wish we will never be apart

Stay with me and keep dancing

Don’t say a word, I hear someone’s voice

Someone is calling my name

It’s calling from far away but I know this voice

It is a familiar voice, yes it is the same

I opened my eyes to find myself here

In my bed sleeping

I searched for you but you weren’t near

At that moment I knew it was a dream

I wish one day this dream will come true

The dream was charming

I ask God to make come true

And now I know what was happening

--Originally written 27/11/2004 --

Teenage Thoughts

I found some old stuff that I wrote when I was still a teenager and cheesy . so why not share it and laugh about it.

I will start posting those pieces in series.

Confession

I confess I committed a crime
I'm going to speak this time
Hiding my feelings is a bad thing
It's a crime as I think

I should have told you
how much I love you
but every time I try
I become shy

Baby please forgive me
Baby please believe me
I'm in love with you

I wasted so much time
but now I'm going to live my life
The life of my dreams
A life with no fears

It is my life with you
It's a dream that I hope will come true
I confess I need you so much
I really need your touch

This is my confession and I have nothing to add
Tell me your judgment before I go mad
Tell me if I'm guilty
or if you forgive me

--Originally written on 22/2/2006--

Half a soul

Half a soul, that’s me when on my own

I almost manage to breath without you

Living endless nights not followed by dawn

I have half a life when I’m missing you

You came into my life and made it complete

Adding flavors of love and joy to my soul

A life of harmony, rhyming my heart beat

You make me a princess, you make me whole

And now I’m alone counting the nights

Waiting to be alive again with my knight

I grew up !

I grew up ! Of course I grew up considering the fact that I earn my living now, make my own decisions, preparing my wedding, working on my master...etc. All these activities of course are adulthood activities , but the one thing that I realized today is friends effect in my life .

During childhood, I couldn't bare the idea of my best friend going to different school.It felt that I was going to be lost without her and I would have no one to play with. Today , I have to live without my best friends as life separates our ways. 

This is a new part of growing up I believe. To be on my own. 

We are still going to be best friends , but geographical barrier will separate us. We will be living in different time zones with different schedules and plans. Sharing every moment won't be possible. 

To many who are reading my words now I might seem childish. But this is the first time in my entire life that I have to live with the fact that my best persons are not around.

I always had trouble making new friends, as I have trust issues when it comes to new people . So my friends are one of the most valuable things in my life , considering also that I have no sisters. A huge part of my emotional strength comes from these girls and now ,in one year, half of them are going or already went on their own ways to make their dreams come true. 

I couldn't be more happy when they come and tell me they finally found the road to their dreams, but then I start realizing that this means I will have to go on my own through life. I never felt so much mixed feelings before !

Now I have to go through my big day alone, the day that I wish to share with all my beloved ones. Half of my friends might not be around. The one that used to have my back and always felt like my mother, but with my same age. My hitch, the one that supported me emotionally so many times and never got bored of my stories. My trusted adviser and the one with the purest heart ever. And the little cute fighter , the youngest evil witch. And who knows who else might go away.

I will also miss one familiar face.my best colleague ever, the brother that reminds me of my best year at college . 

Of course, there is technology today and communication is much easier, but just the idea of being far away from my beloved friends aches my heart.

Dear friends , 

all the good luck to you wherever you are. I wish you all the success and happiness in the world and I wish that despite the distance we will keep our bonds forever .

My Knight

In a dark forest I saw an armor shining
on a black horse he approached me
I saw that knight and at once I was falling
he looked me in the eye and said "stay with me"

you are the man I have always waited for
A knight soul, charming whatever you do
you asked for my heart and now it's yours
as no one will protect it like you

I dream of an empty ball room
only the tow of us waltzing
I dream of the look in the eyes of a groom
to the first sight of his bride swagging 

My homeland

It was all in my head

I invented the boredom I felt,

made myself believe the flame is dead

But now for that I’m so filled up with guilt

Breathing aches when you're not around

My hand burns when not holding your hand

I feel like a bird tied down to the ground

Without you I’m far away from my homeland

Withdrawal

What shall you do when you want something badly and don't want it at the same time?!

It is like having two different persons inside your head. 

I use fear as an excuse for my hesitation but I always think of myself as adventurous and fear has no meaning to me. I just love taking risks and see how things go.

But I don't know why this is not happening now. Why am I starting to fear my own dreams specially when they are approaching me?!

I want something with every inch in me but yet I'm not sure I will be happy handling it.

To be honest, I'm not afraid as there is nothing to fear. I just have this unexplained feeling of withdrawal that I don't know how to deal with.

Traditions ... Go to Hell !

I am in desperate need to meet this person who invented traditions. In a world so filled up with religious rules and laws ,we don't need any added restrictions to our lives beside what we already have. 

So why do we follow traditions? Why did someone invent them in the first place? 

We complain each day about lack of freedom and flexibility in life and we still follow traditions that we won't go to hell if we break them and we won't go to jail either. 

I have this constant urge to break the rules, to act against traditions. 

God created us free and stated the rules of how to live happily worshiping Him . We don't need any extra man-made rules in this life.So, if not convinced with something just don't do it just because it is a tradition. 

Do what you see suitable for yourself as long as you are following God's rules. That's it. 

The Violin

Dreams do come true 
No more doubts or questions 
Plant the seeds and watch them grow 
And burn down all the assumptions

There will be tough times, you must conform 
No one said it is always sunny 
Adjust the sail and cross the storm 
To the land of your dreams, yes you are that lucky 

Fairytales are for real 
Fantasies do exist 
You just have to believe 
In the story of your life there will be a twist 

Moon will lighten up your nights 
And sea breeze will kiss your skin 
Happiness will sparkle in your eyes so bright

Nature will play the symphony of your dreams on its violin

It's my choice

    I need someone to explain to me why am I guilty for choosing to be happy even in hard times!! 

   I'm a normal girl with the ability to feel sadness and happiness just like everyone else on this planet. I only differ in one thing, I simply choose to be happy even when sadness is the normal human reaction to certain life events. To my astonishment, it turns out that being or acting happy in hard times is a sin that everyone around you start blaming you for. They accuse you of being heartless or senseless because you are not sad and crying as you should in certain events.

   The fact that I’m smiling and trying to get through my sorrow with hope in my heart doesn't mean that I have no sense or I never get sad. I get sad and blue like everyone, I just don't stay there for long. I choose to be optimistic and smile till the end. I don't think that I should feel guilty for doing so.

   I won't stop being happy and no one has the right to judge me or accuse me of having a cold heart.

Best version

When you feel flawless

And you are your best version 

All secure and calm with no place for stress

And you reach that state of perfection

Fear becomes a meaningless word

And life is completely redefined

A state of joy that doesn't belong to this world

This love that I never thought I'll find

A shoulder to cry on

A friend who echoes my laughter

In the darkest nights I have a reason to believe in dawn

Nothing can conquer me when I have my shelter

Once upon a dream

            Once upon a dream, all the questions inside my head were answered.It was just a dream inside a heart full of dreams, but this dream was everything to me.

          Once upon a dream,I experienced a new level of happiness that I didn't know it exists in the first place. For the first time in my life my brain stopped working, and I turned into a one-year old kid who couldn't form a single sentence, as no words in the world were enough to express what's inside. Gravity didn't exist and for the first time I knew what it means to be over the moon.

         I didn't want it to end. I didn't want for this moment to slip away,and it all happened ....once upon a dream.

Steady River

Steady, smooth, and always flowing

It’s the river running down the valley of your heart

Because of it, you are always glowing

A waterfall of emotions and it is only the start

 No storms, no waves, but a calm river

That runs faster at the sight of those smiling eyes

Even a silent presence can warm you when you shiver

Those emotions that make stars shiner in the sky

 It’s the real deal, it’s what lasts

What takes time to grow can’t just fade away

Strongest storms can never outlast

But a steady river won’t stop flowing even in the darkest days

The Adventure

Spinning in this whirlpool 
Drowning yet feeling so much alive
But I can't keep playing it cool
I want to let go, although it's my dream life

I didn't see it coming
It took me by surprise
This adventure of sweet falling
I shouldn't have gone, should have been wise

Now I'm imprisoned by my own feelings
I'm addicted to my own dream
This sweet disease with no healing
I'm drowning but I don't want to scream

May be I’m doomed for falling for you
I'd better just run away
May be you are my dream come true
But in moments of doubt I need a reason to stay

Why do we panic ?!

I can't get the human soul.We dream and wish for a lot of things but just when these things are right there in front of us, we freak out !

Do we seek sadness by nature? Are we all drama queens by birth?! 
We wish for certain things so hard. We keep praying for dreams to come true, but what I figured out is that part of our dreams is for fate to decide and the other part is in our hands to fulfill.

When fate decide to grant our wish and it is just one step away, waiting for us to make the move, we start to panic and back-off. As if we are afraid to risk our current life(which we have always dreamed  to change) to fulfill this dream.

So, back to my first question, Do we love playing drama queens? Do we just enjoy complaining? Do we just enjoy the phase of dreaming and wishing but we don't have the courage to go for these dreams?

Sometimes happiness is just right in front of us but we panic and go in a phase of disbelief.Sometimes when we keep wishing for something for a long time and this thing starts to approach us , we begin to think :"of course it is not that easy" , or " No, it can't be true", or may be" I'm not that lucky". 

I spent a lot of time thinking why do we act like this. I still can't reach a conclusion, but I hope one day I'll find answers to my questions. 

May be one day when I have the courage to pursue my own dreams.

Battlefield

Reading too much into signs
Having high expectations 
I always go through things in my mind
I'm talented in creating complications

I need to shut this voice up
this over thinking is killing me
smash my head in a wall to make it stop
clear this battlefield inside of me

I hate it when I don't know
can't stand the fog around
I'm just hoping for clearness to show
then peace between mind and heart will be found